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My friend thinks I killed her goldfish! Queries for Carrie March 2007

Query: My friend had to go see her grandmother. I took care of her goldfish while she was gone. But Bill died. It wasn't my fault. I did what she said and didn't forget to feed him. And I didn't feed him too much either. Now my friend is mad at me all the time. How can I make her be my friend again?

— Sad on Seattle

Carrie: You're absolutely right when you say it wasn't your fault that Bill was called to that big fishbowl in the sky while in your care. Goldfish are not usually long-lived pets, unlike their bigger cousins the carp. Bill might have been old, or he might have had been ill. And he might have died even if your friend hadn't gone to visit her grandmother.

When someone we love dies, each of us handles the sadness and grief that we feel differently. Your friend may be angry with you because she's really angry with herself. She may feel that if she hadn't gone away, Bill wouldn't have died.

Help your friend through this time of mourning, and you may find that your friendship comes out stronger than ever. Maybe the two of you could put together a commemorative scrapbook or myspace page in honor of Bill. While you assemble the memorial, tell stories about things Bill did or that the two of you did when he was around.

Talk about the traits that made him special and share any positive memories you have of him while he was still swimming. Your friend will come to understand that you weren't his cause of death. More importantly, she'll know that she can count on you through tough times as well as the good ones.

Query: I met this woman over the winter, and we're really close now. She's into the whole bike thing in a big, big way. Once the weather warms up, she gets on that contraption and goes for days (literally). Can you tell that I'm not that into it? Maybe if I weren't such a klutz. Maybe if I liked being in direct sunlight for ten or twelve hours at a stretch. If I pretend even once that it's an activity I could enjoy, I foresee hours and hours of tedious pedaling and skinned knees. Do I risk the relationship and flat out refuse to put on the Lycra BVDs?

— Bumbling on Boyd

Carrie: Whatever happened to "Vive La Difference!"? You needn't be a cookie-cutter simulacrum of your new best-gal, nor she of you. Togetherness is wonderful. Equally, cultivating a wide spectrum of friends and outside activities is good for maintaining a balanced life and personality within a long-term relationship.

All of which is not an excuse for you to sit home with the shades drawn. This relationship might be an opportunity for you to expand your horizons and try things you would otherwise never contemplate. That's one of the benefits of getting to know and becoming intimate with others. They influence us as we influence them.

The result is that you grow as a person and foster their growth in return. Maybe you could take up camping or canoeing together. Try something that's new to the both of you, that way neither one of you need feel overly clumsy or inexperienced.

Query:I'm worried about my neighbor. Her partner's mother lives with them now, and is in late stage Alzheimer's. There are health aides and such who come regularly, but the buck stops with my friend since her partner travels for his work. One of her kids is just fine, but the other has some worrying behavioral problems that are past the usual run of adolescent boundary-pushing. And the dog is old and incontinent. She's completely overwhelmed, and the doctor's got her on some mood-minder that's flattened her affect worse than a bad Botox application. Do I keep smiling, or do I say something?

— Bothered on Beech

Carrie: Round up some of your neighbor's other friends and allies. If you're going to stage an intervention of sorts, you'll need to be committed to letting it take a village to save a sanity.

With enough people regularly volunteering for an hour or two, your neighbor could begin to count on being able to focus on herself from time to time without instantly paying a heavy karmic price. It might also be worth your while to co-op dinner production from her house. That way she has company and another responsible set of eyes, ears and hands to get her through the cooking hour.

Try engaging her partner in a discussion about the pressure she's under. He may be uncertain of the facts of the matter, or may need the input of an outside observer to help him grasp the seriousness of the situation. Don't be afraid to try to help, but don't offer criticism if you don't want to be part of the solution.