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Handling new and soon-to-be-ex beaus on Valentine's Day Queries for Carrie February 2007

Query: I really like this girl. She likes me too. I don't have a lot of money. How do I show her a good Valentine's Day?

— Broke on Braddock

Carrie: Find out what she likes to eat. Don't take her to an overbooked restaurant for a crowded, harried meal staffed by stressed out servers. Next to Mother's Day, Valentine's Day represents the largest restaurant traffic volume of the year. So, do a little research in cookbooks and on the net to prepare yourself to create an intimate meal for the two of you. If you share space with family or roommates, bribe them (with favors, not cash) to evacuate the premises--or borrow a kitchen from a friend who's going out. For the kind of dining experience that will mean the most to her, you'll want privacy. Serious cooks advise that you should always practice a new recipe if it contains techniques or ingredients with which you're unfamiliar. A dry run to work out the timing and any wrinkles in the process would be a worthwhile investment of your energy.

Again, a little research will also yield a beautiful, and inexpensive, flowering plant--an orchid, say--that you can care for together. It will last for years if you give it what it needs; and it will have more impact than all but the most lavish bouquets of greenhouse roses. Make a special effort to locate something that flowers in her favorite color and you'll win her completely.

If you've got your heart set on giving her a concrete memento of the occasion, i.e. jewelry, then pay attention to what kinds she wears and the colors that look best on her. Ask a female who knows your sweetie to lend her taste if you're not certain. The right pair of earrings, the right necklace or ring, goes a lot farther than a wad of flashy bling.

Thoughtfulness always aces rote spending. Remember that if you show her that you're thinking of her in everything you do and every gift you give, she'll feel only more warmly towards you.

Query: I just got back from winter break. I met someone over the holidays I really clicked with. Now I have to tell my boyfriend that it's over between us. We've been close since our freshman year. He's pretty much my best friend on campus. But what I feel for the new guy is so much more than anything I ever imagined.

I've been so busy with my new classes, and then I got this awful flu. I've hardly seen my boyfriend since I got back. The longer this goes on, the worse I feel. I know I've left this way too long. What do I say now?

— Clueless on Campus

Carrie: Whoops! Indeed, you have let this situation get out of hand. It behooves you to make your former boyfriend aware of his current status in your heart ASAP. There's the matter of the trust, respect and love that you have shared in the past. And there's the matter of your mutual dignity on a campus where the story will become known to everyone with any interest and a great number of idle on-lookers. Then there's your own integrity of conduct. And finally, Valentine's Day is approaching. If you leave your unhappy task that long you will only make the whole process of breaking up with your boyfriend more painful than it undoubtedly will be under the circumstances.

Be pleasant. Be prepared to hand back certain mementos of your time together (a pre-engagement ring, his sweater, a pile of CDs that might arguably be his). Try not to demand back anything of yours that he may have in possession. Unless he's a very cool customer, or terminally numb, that step can and should wait 'til he's had time to digest your change of heart.

Be brave. Under no conditions would it be worthy of your common history to use text messaging, e-mail, snail mail, third-party gossip or the telephone as your intermediary in the break-up proper. Nor would it be kind to drop the news in a public situation. Nor would it be appropriate when either of you has an immediate time constraint (between classes, right before a mandatory practice or rehearsal, hours before a major paper is due). If you can leave him his pride in these small ways, you may find that there's less bitterness between you as your paths cross at school.

Be discreet. Don't tell anyone about your new sweetie if you can possibly help it. Don't fuss about any aberrant behavior your dumped boyfriend displays towards you. Do suggest that the most curious of your common acquaintance ask him if they want the details of the split. Learning these points of etiquette will make such awkward transitions easier for everyone in the future, and build your character to boot.