Features: The Heart of Parenting

News flash: Sometimes children are not interesting to adults Emory Luce Baldwin

Writer Helen Kirwan-Taylor launched an international controversy this summer when she published an article in the British press entitled, "Sorry, but my children bore me to death!"

(The word "Sorry!" in the caption was purely rhetorical.   Kirwan-Taylor's main point is that privileged and well educated women-- and not surprising, that describes her! --would probably "need a lobotomy to talk to anyone under the age of 10.")  

I'm surprised that Kirwan-Taylor thinks that anyone with children would be shocked to hear her announce that caring for children is often tedious.   I don't know any adult who reads "Hop on Pop" or "Good Night Moon" for their own intellectual stimulation.

Just in case you're wondering, Ms. Kirwan-Taylor reassures her readers that she loves her children.   But, she maintains, loving her children doesn't mean that she has to be "willing to cater to their every whim."   Her children's whims apparently include such mind-numbing activities as reading them bedtime stories, helping them with schoolwork, watching them play sports, or going to museums or blockbuster movies with them.   Come to think of it, she never does mention what exactly she likes about being with her kids, who are now 10 and 12 years old.

She also takes a brave stand against the current popularity of "child-centered parenting that is creating a generation of narcissistic children who cannot function independently."

Well, she has a point there.   Pampered children who grow up without ever being allowed to experience or cope with their own momentary periods of boredom will certainly be handicapped as adults.   Such an adult would probably be unable to tolerate any people or situations that didn't entertain them, such as.... oops, I guess we're describing Ms. Kirwan-Taylor's feelings about being with her children.   Oh dear.

Kirwan-Taylor also vents her feelings about the millions of women who have made the bad and boring career moves to full time motherhood.   She warns that "making a child your career" can be dangerous for one's marriage and sense of self.  

I don't know about you, but I'm getting really tired of listening to either working or stay-at-home mothers presume to tell others that they are doing it wrong.   Every mother is a working mother, as the saying goes.   Whether or not a mother chooses to work for money--inside or outside of her home--is a personal and imperfect decision.  

After re-reading Kirwan-Taylor's article more closely, I'm guessing that--like all of us--she was disappointed to find that parenthood isn't the "fulfilling, life-changing, life-enhancing fun" that she thought it was supposed to be.   I can sympathize with the disappointment of her before-children fantasies.   Nothing prepares you for how fatiguing young children are and how much work is involved in caring for them.   I think we all imagined and hoped that parenting would be a lot more laughs than it has turned out to be.  

But once the reality hits and you realize that your child wants and needs your care and attention even when you are tired, or frustrated, or bored with the monotony of child-care routine--what are you going to do?   Is it the child's problem that they were born uneducated, inexperienced, and not ready to entertain you?   Should we make every decision about how to spend out time with our families based on how they score on the scale of "Amusing and Interesting"?

Most of the press coverage I've read about Kirwan-Taylor's views have focused on this episode as the latest salvo in the Mommy Wars.   But I'm curious about what she is also saying about how her children do not meet her needs to be both amused and interested.  

This is the first time that I've heard that children are to be expected to make their parent's lives more "fun".   In centuries past, and continuing today in much of the world, parents certainly expect their children to contribute significantly to the family's economic survival.   It's only been recently, and only in developed countries, that children are valued primarily for their emotional attachments with their parents rather than their help growing food or earning wages.  

And now Kirwan-Taylor recommends taking this evolution in childhood one step further, and minimizing contact with children until they are old enough to be "fun"--or at least be less "mind numbingly boring"--for intelligent adults.     Her final advice for parents is that the best thing they can do for their children is to "let them be bored" so that they learn how to deal with it.   As long as she takes her own advice, I couldn't agree with her more.   

Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.   For more information about PEP classes and programs, call 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org .   To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.

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